Sunday, November 9, 2008

Obama fixes College Football

We read earlier this week that Obama has proposed an eight team playoff to determine the national champion. Since the idea was long on brevity and short on details, Joe Huff commissioned LandThieves political correspondent Julius Ceasar Watts to get the details from President elect Obama:

JCW: You mentioned in earlier speeches that you were in favor of reparations for Blacks. How do you see that playing out in your plan to change college football?

BO: the Historically Black Universities have been long denied a chance to compete on the highest levels of college sport. At the end of the regular season, the champions of the Mid-Eastern Athletic Conference and the Southwest Athletic Conference will play for one of the eight slots in the playoffs.

JCW: President-elect Obama, you have indicated that America is in need of redistribution, and that this would be "chump change" to the college football elite. Do you also see that translating into your playoff?

BO: I certainly do. Many schools don't have the same opportunities to advance as the elite. As a result, I've formulated a 5 point plan to level the playing field.

  • Coaches that work long hours game planning and recruiting, come up with innovative ideas and climb the ladder of success will be allowed the opportunity to share their earnings with coaches that lack imagination and motivation to succeed. It's just unfair to expect all coaches to have the same level of work ethic.
  • At the end of the season, teams that have experienced successful seasons will have their skill position players redistributed to other schools that are less fortunate.
  • Players that have been gifted with exceptional speed and quickness will be required to wear weighted ankle bracelets, so that their brethren who weren't born with the same muscle twitch fibers can complete on the same playing field.
  • Players possessing remarkable strength will be required to tie one had behind their back, so that their physical advantage won't impair the progress of an individual who's hasn't worked as hard in the weight room.
  • The Big 10 network will be the only sports channel on the basic cable and dish packages. the MTN will be available to premium subscribers, and ESPN, ABC and CBS will only be available to federal workers and their families at no charge.

JCW: That seems a little concerning to me. By levelling the playing field like that, you're going to disincent achievement, and end up with an inferior product.

BO: My election was a mandate for change. This change to a level playing field may not be welcome to some. But make no mistake, it is change. Sacrifices must be made for the greater good. No one should have to watch Iowa State play Colorado in their present state.

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