Friday, August 31, 2007

Tommy Grady is Not All That

Last night in the Utah - Oregon State game, Utah started Brian Johnson was injured. Never fear, former Sooner Tommy Grady to the rescue for the second half. Remember when we longed for him after Thompson and Bomar stunk up the TCU game?

Well, here's his line. 9-24 for 59 yards, 0 TDs, 0 Ints. He did rush 3 times for -2 yards.

Iowa State Announces Helmet Winner

by Dan McCartney, Big 12 North Correspondent
Ames, Iowa (LTP) - Many (or both) of you read about Iowa State having a contest on helmet and uniform design for the 2008 season. The voting was slated to end today. However, LandThieves has learned that recent voting for the helmet design has resulted in a landslide winner. Below is the winning entry.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Start of CFB Season Haiku

Opening Kickoff.
We only have one TV.
There is no justice.

Games of Interest to me

  • Boone State vs Georgia - There's been a lot of hype around the Pokes this summer. This will be an interesting test for them. When in doubt, pick the SEC team.
  • Tennessee vs California - The only game matching ranked foes. Tennessee drilled the Bears last year. Cal ended the season with a convincing thumping of Cash Machine U. You could probably make a great TV show of the clash between the Vol fans tailgating and the Cal fans using their Blackberries to trade in the Australian stock market. When in doubt, pick the SEC team.
  • Baylor vs TCU - curious to see if BU is improving (doubtful this year) and to see how the Frogs are offensively.
  • Houston vs Oregon - I love watching Art Briles teams play offense. I doubt they will upset the Ducks, but I will be cheering them on.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Join the LandThieves College Football Pick'em

Join the LandThieves group for picking college fb games. For additional degree of difficulty, I set it against the spread. It's 25 games / week. The winner gets a limited edition LandThieves t-shirt.

password to enter the group is 'LandThieves'

Poker Fan Upset ESPN Covering Football

by Internet Media Analyst Lauren Caitlin Upton
A new blog was created to harness the backlash when a poker player realized ESPN Classic would not show a poker tournament until Friday. He was so despondent he could only come up with the following haiku.

There's no poker on.
Look! There are people outdoors!
What do you do there?

OSU Field of Champions Sneak Peak

By Dexter Manley, LandThieves Correspondent, Stillwater Bureau

Stillwater, OK (LTP) - Sources close to the Boone State athletic program gave me a preview today of the soon to be unveiled Field of Champions just outside of Boone Pickens Stadium at Lewis Field. The statues in the field highlight all the gridiron champions of past, present, and future.

Critics of Boone State U assailed the university for copying intrastate rival University of Oklahoma with their Heisman Park adjacent to Owen Field. Athletic Director Mike Holder defended the Field of Champions, however, "This is just another example of Boone Pickens vision for the Boone State. He wants us to build a football team the wresting program can be proud of."

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Official Jewel Protector of LandThieves

Joe Castiglione and Deloss Dodd need to capitalize on this...official athletic supporter of the Red River Rivalry.

Cash Machine U creates revolutionary offense

by LandThieves Insider George Smith

Most schools are experimenting with the zone read offense or four wide sets, but here in College Station, Coach Fran is moving to a revolutionary four guard offense. From the looks of the depth chart, I can only imagine the set looks like.

While it appears it will be very effective at protecting the passer, this formation seems like it will be quite limiting at getting the running backs the football. This may be where the 12th man comes in handy. In case the Ags redo the page to keep this formation a secret until they play directional Louisiana U, I've captured the scheme below.

UNT - OU Preview Haiku

Albino Squirrels.
Rock and Roll Hall of Famers.
Don't help in Football.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Longhorn Crimial Alert Lowered to Edwin Simmons

By Bernie Kerik, special contributor to LandThieves

Coppell, TX (LTP) - LandThieves lowered the Longhorn Criminal Alert to level Edwin Simmons today. Experts expected the level to be reduced to Matthew McConaughey, but a prepared statement was released, explaining, "We considered several factors in this evaluation, including quality of opponent. Arkansas State has never recovered from Larry Lacewell's departure. We will reassess as the TCU game approaches next week, but for now citizens should remain alert and watch out for partially clothed Longhorns under the influence of various substances."

For further information on the Longhorn Criminal Alert System, please see the initial announcement.

Thompson outlasts Ingle Martin in GB

Sooner alum notes:
The Packers released Ingle Martin on Friday, leaving Sooner alum Paul Thompson as the third string QB for now. The two commentaries I read on the net indicated skepticism that Thompson is secure in the job. I believe Green Bay is holding out hope the Casey Printers will become available. My analysis from 1500 or so miles away is that Thompson will end up on the practice squad as the 3rd string's not like there's a lot of other options out there for QB, or the Vikings might have something better to choose from in there camp than Tarvaris Jackson, Tyler Thigpen, Brooks Bollinger and Drew Henson. Holy freaking cow. Just spent two minutes searching on Tyler Thigpen...Tyler is the ONLY QB Coastal Carolina has ever had (FB program started in 2003), and he's made it to the final NFL cut. I don't believe the LandThieves have ever had a QB throw a pass in an NFL regular season game (90 or so years of football) and this school's first QB ever may make it.

Ok, I digress. The Pack plays again on Thursday evening, we'll see if PT makes it.
Zach Latimer was cut by the Bolts this weekend.
Dan Cody was placed on the Physically Unable to Perform list by the Ravens. Dan spent all of 2005 on IR, and only played three games last year.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

The Long Awaited Analysis of the OU-UNT game slated for Saturday in Norman is below.

Sooners have definite edge here with exp offensive line, talented WRs and RBs.

Sooners have one of the best secondaries in the CFB. D line and LB are unproven, but

HeadVisor reloads on D moreso than rebuilds.

Special Teams

Special teams have traditionally been a strong point of LandThieves U since HeadVisor

took over in 1999. With kickoffs moved back, HeadVisor sure to put even more


Stadium Name
Fouts Field vs Gaylord Family-Oklahoma Memorial Stadium at Owen Field. No contest.

New Head FB Coach Dodge will make things happen in Denton. Advantage to Sooners

until Dodge executes at this level.

Cool Alumni

UNT alumni include Don Henley, Meatloaf, Dr. Phil, Stone Cold Steve Austin,

Thomas Haden Church (Lowell Mather from Wings TV series), Roy Orbison,

Mean Joe Greene.

OU alumni include Larry Drake (Benny on LA Law), James Garner, Ed Harris,

Jim Ross (pro rasslin announcer). If we were rating Rich Alumni in this feature,

LandThief former students include Helen Walton (widow of Sam), Michael Price,

and Pat Bowlen, owner of the Denver Broncos.

Albino Squirrel

on Campus

The Albino Squirrel Preservation Society at UNT tried to get the Albino Squirrel

voted as a secondary mascot in 2002. The students apparently narrowly rejected

the measure. In 2006, the albino squirrel was killed by a hawk. I think it was

Scrappy in disguise. Another albino squirrel surfaced. I'm not certain if having an

Albino Squirrel as a prominent feature of campus is an advantage or not, but we're

giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Who's the Best #6

Charles Thompson - subbed for an injured Holieway against Nebraska in 1987 and led the team to victory. Split time with Jamelle Holieway in 1988. Most known for making the cover of SI in orange jumpsuit after being arrested on cocaine charges in early 1989.
Antwone Savage - talented WR and KR during 2000-2002. 4th leading receiver alltime in catches, 2nd all time in receiving yards. Had huge TD reception against KSU in 2001 game.
Jarrod Reese - QB during Blake era from my hometown. Transferred out of the program. If he didn't graduate from Seminole H.S, I wouldn't even mention him.
Thomas Lott - 2nd leading rushing QB behind Holieway, 22nd all time rusher overall. Lott QB'd the sooners from the Texas game in 1976 through the end of the 1978 season, with the exception of the start of the 77 season due to injuries. Lott led the LandThieves to a 23-5-1 record in his time, including two Big 8 co championships and an outright championship in 1977.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Big12 NonConf Games, Sep 8

TCU at Texas - Oh, how I'd love for the Froggies to beat UT in this one. This one is a tough one to predict, IMO. TCU is going to be tough on D, and the Horns should be fabulous on O. Texas lost three of their four leading tacklers from a defense that struglled last year, but TCU is breaking in a new QB. Prediction: Texas. (Sorry, Chuck.)
Miami FL at OU - I'm sure we'll analyze this one further in the coming weeks, but for now I'll keep it short. Prediction: Sooners
Fresno St at Cash Machine U - Pat Hill's Fresno State team was down this past year but I don't expect he'll be down two years in a row. Coach Fran seems a bit feisty this year in preseason, and I believe it's because he is truly confident in his team this year. McGee is in the top 2 QBs in the Big12, and CMU has a ton of talent at RB. If the D makes progress this year, this one is an Aggie victory in a walk. Prediction: Aggies
CU Later at Arizona State - The Dennis Erickson era starts at Tempe this year, and Dan Hawkins has a brutal non conference schedule this year. Dan has returned to the Hawkins bedroom since naming his son starting QB this year. ASU finished the year a mess. If Erickson can get Rudy Carpenter's head on straight, ASU could be pretty good this year. Prediction: Sun Devils

TestiGate Haiku

Brian goes to bar.
Wears his favorite Longhorn shirt.
Hears his scrotum tear.

Turn the other cheek.
Seems better to solve conflict.
Than tearing scrotum.

Feel free to add your own in the comments.

Friday, August 24, 2007

An Update on TestiGate

Well, we have more information on TestiGate. Apparently, the defendant Allen "Mike" Beckett, has a different version of the story. When I first read this story, I was expecting to see a picture of the defendant somewhere, ya know, sporting a mullet, or perhaps a nice skull tattoo on his cheek. At a minimum, I was expect a comb or pick sticking out of a back pocket. Apparently our defendant looks a bit less menacing than I would have imagined. The beauty of this all is that Mr. Beckett is not a Sooner alum, but a 1982 graduate of Sterling College, a feared member of the Kansas Collegiate Athletic Conference. The victim of this painful incident, Brian Thomas, is lucky he wasn't wearing a Kansas Wesleyan shirt, or heaven forbid sporting a shirt toting the virtues of the University of St. Mary Spires. Mike would've really jacked him up then.

Big 12 NonConf Games, Sep 1 Predictions

Last year the Big 12 stunk in premier non-conference games. The Sooners "lost" the Oregon game, and were beaten by Boise St. The Bugeaters lost to Southern Cal. Willie and Friends and Cash Machine U laid eggs in their bowl games. Texas lost to Ohio St and looked pedestrian against Iowa. Tx Tech lost to TCU, and Cash Machine U barely beat Army. Kansas lost to Toledo. For the Big 12 to return to prominence this year, the games below are the games most important for the conference to re-establish themselves as a top BCS conference.

We'll start the posting with Sep 1. Cupcake games are not previewed, here, with limited exceptions.

Boone State at Georgia - Boone St is a darling pick of many pundits for the Big 12 South. Admittedly, scoring 34 points against the Tide is impressive. I'll be surprised if the Pokes can prevail in Athens against the top 15 rated Bulldogs. I anticipate Georgia to be considerably improved this year as Stafford develops as a QB under Mark Richt. Prediction: Georgia.

K State at Auburn - Kansas State struggled last year in their opener against the Illinois State Redbirds, needing a punt return for TD and a defensive score to overtake ISU. This opener should be a little tougher. The Coach formerly known as Prince has a lot to prove this year, as they had a high point of upsetting Texas, but low points in struggling against Illinois State and being blown out by Rutgers in their bowl game. Auburn has only 12 returning starters this year, so this is a huge change to have a win against a credible opponent that may be down this year. Prediction: Auburn

Later in the weekend we'll take a peek at the other premier nonconference matchups in September.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Can't we all just get along

I routinely walk around Coppell, TX with some (or a lot) of Sooner paraphanalia. Never once been swore at or had my scrotum squashed by a fellow restaurant patron. This gent, on the other hand, has.

If I may quote, "An Oklahoma City man has been charged with aggravated assault and battery, accused of causing extensive damage to another man's scrotum just because he wore a University of Texas shirt into a local bar."

Click on the link for the full story.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Big 10 Court TV Network Launched

by Big 10 Correspondent Jim "Chrissie" Everett

Chicago, IL (LTP) - Much maligned Big Ten Commish Jim Delaney and Court TV executives announced today that the two fringe networks have joined forces to create an even more obscure network, the Big Ten Court TV Network.

“We already have a lot of programming lined up for the coming year,” stated Big Ten Court TV CEO Kevin Weiberg. “We believe with the tremendous number of indictments and arrests we are experiencing within the conference, this network will have the national appeal we so desperately crave. When you’ve got geniuses like these two in
Iowa City, we have a lot of zany talent to tap into. Below is a list of several exciting series we have lined up for our viewers this year.

Iowa City 911! – a spin off of the Reno 911! series, this show takes you inside the whimsical adventures of the Iowa City PD. Hosted by Dan McGwire.
University Cops! - The Big 10 3 of the top 5 in the
Fulmer Cup standings. With this sort of talent pool, the opportunities for Big 10 athlete criminal mischief is limitless.
Prison Poker Tour - Former Buckeye QB Art Schlichter brings you the Prison Poker Tour from a) Elkton, Ohio; b) Terre Haute, Indiana; c) SandStone, Minnesota; and d) Minersville, Pennsylvania.
Dude, where’s my testicles? – former Buckeye Robert Smith co-hosts with Tony Mandarich in search of Mandarich’s steroid-shrunken family jewels.
Speeders, Not so Much – Star Jones and Maurice Clarett star in a wacky new roving morning show where Star and Maurice race from the athletic dorm to the nearest Dunkin Donuts in each of the college towns in the Big 10. Fun for the whole family!
What Not to Wear to Your Court Appearance – John Amechi and ESPN’s Mike Greenberg team up to help Big 10 student athletes shop the finest clothing stores in East Lansing to find that special look for their court appearance.

Please contact your local cable operator today. Operators are standing by.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Top 5 Things Sam Bradford said today

  1. Now that I'm the starter, do I still have to abide by the Sooner Oath?
  2. Where are the women?
  3. Coach, promise me you'll call some pass plays.
  4. If DeMarco Murray is on the sideline, who do I hand the ball to?
  5. Does this mean I can work at the car dealership during the offseason?

Look! In the Sky! A new QB!

Congrats to Sam Bradford, the latest starting QB for the Sooners. My personal thoughts are: 1) I think it's the logical choice; 2) I trust in HeadVisor 3) I think Bradford is going to look awful against U of Miami. Expansions on these thoughts:

  1. The team's hot pursuit of Keith Nichol after Slappy Smith's firing at MSU was in part a vote of no confidence in Halzle, and didn't exactly express confidence in Bradford either...I heard all last year that "next year's QB isn't on campus yet"...but apparently SB made great strides through spring and the "voluntary" workouts over the summer. Due to Bradford's improvement, the options were: a) Halzle, whom internet pundits characterize as not a prime candidate for a D1 level starting position; b) Keith Nichol, fresh off the h.s. prom, and c) Bradford, who at least had experienced a D1 level defense in practice. According to there's been two freshman lead a team to the national championship. Kid named Jamelle Holieway, and another named gent named Bernie Kosar. Bradford's experience as a redshirt likely (and obvious superior performance in scrimmage on Aug 18) helped him. Matthew Stafford at Georgia and Mitch Mustain at Arkansas last year likely didn't excite HeadVisor about putting a hot shot recruit true freshman into the starting role on day 1. I'm sure someone out there in the internet world will do a fabulous job of comparing similarities of 85 Sooners to this 07 squad (talented D, very talented RBs, experienced O-line). Here's hoping Sam doesn't snap his ankle in Sept against Miami. We do have some d-backs that previously have looked a lot like Derrick White covering Michael Irvin.
  2. I don't do a good job of questioning the decisions of Coach Stoops. Not that I'm a blind loyalist, but the man gets paid to make decisions, and some of them are wrong and some are right. I watched Texas A&M beat us 51-7 in Norman and Nebraska beat us 73-21 in Norman in the 90s. Bob stopped that and led us to a national title. He still has a few deposits left in my bank before he goes negative.
  3. the past several years, UM-FSU has opened the season. Those ball games were just ugly. Part of it was the predictable play calling by UM and FSU coaching staffs (since revised), but part of it was the the Ds were awesome, and the teams had plenty of time to prepare for the opponent. UM's recent slide in CFB prosperity has not been due to the defense. If you think Randy Shannon's as head FB coach is going to make the 'canes worse on defense, you're not thinking properly. If you think they spent all of preseason practice preparing for the Marshall Thundering Herd, you've got a thinking problem. I'm sure Shannon circled this match on the calendar and said, "Here's our chance to make a stmt to the college fb world that 'the U' is back". I'm not predicting a Sooner loss here, but I do think it's likely to be an ugly Sooner W.

ADDITION: Meant to put this in earlier, SundayMorningQb has interesting note on Sooners in the attached link. Stoops has yet to win Big 12 in odd numbered year. Which means nothing. More relevant part of the observation is that Stoops led Sooners have won 4 Big 12 titles with 4 different QBs, each of them a senior. The years non-sr QB, a little bit less successful.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Ramonce Taylor Nominee

KSU TE Rashaan Norwood, who was arrested TWICE Sunday morning, has been added to the Ramonce Taylor Watchlist. Norwood, "pounded on the female victim’s apartment door early...and tried to call her on a cell phone. When she ignored him, Norwood broke a sliding glass door with a chair, forced his way into a locked bedroom and pushed her onto the bed. There were no injuries...A police officer attempted to stop Norwood outside the apartment complex, but Norwood took off running...he was chased on foot and apprehended."

If I may add some editorial comments here...a) I have confirmed that Lawrence Phillips is not his position coach; b) Norwood clearly "lacks an ability to separate from defenders"; and c) the Manhattan, Kansas police force must have hired former KSU DB's as police officers.

But wait, there's more..."Police were called back to the apartment later Sunday morning, where they found Norwood hiding under a bed. Moldrup said it was unclear how he gained entry" - let's wait a moment here. If we can convict Michael Vick two months ago, can't we assume Mr. Norwood came through the broken sliding glass door that he broke earlier Sunday morning? I haven't visited Manhattan, KS personally, but I have a sneaky suspicion that the 24/7 glass repair business isn't viable in that hamlet.

Coach Ron Prince did suspend Mr. Norwood. The Cincinnati Bengals have spoken with Roger Goodell, NFL commish, to see if they could draft Norwood in the supplemental draft. In spite of the demonstrated lack of speed and separation ability, ESPN Insider John Clayton believes Norwood would fit into the team's philosophy.

Sooners Recite Sooner Oath

by Senior Editor in Charge Joe Huff
Norman, OK (LTP) - Earlier this week the Sooner student athletes recited the Sooner oath. The nice thing is that former Sooner coach Barry Switzer spoke at the ceremony. Landthieves was unable to confirm a rumor that athletes had to take the oath while placing their hand over Switzer's book "Bootlegger's Boy". My autographed copy (autographed to Rod Lewis, who apparently had a garage sale few years ago that my step-mother-in-law attended) describes, among other things, how Switzer paid Joe Washington $100 an hour to babysit his children (p267). That may be part of the "Honor and uphold the traditions of what it means to be a Sooner" part of the oath.

Former hoops coach Kelvin Sampson was unable to attend. I believe he was shopping for a new cell phone plan for the Hoosier Athletic Department.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

An Ode to QB Selection, Part 2

With apologies to Franklin Pearce Adams

This is the question that makes up this rhyme...
Halzle, Bradford or Nichol?
Trio of QBs, splitting practice time,
Halzle, Bradford or Nichol?
Carefully protecting the oblong football
Surely one of them can help us win them all
Which one of these youths will get the starting call?
Halzle, Bradford or Nichol?

An Ode to QB Selection

Coach Stoops is not in a hurry.
He is calm amidst the flurry.
Nichol will it be?
Bradford or Halzle?
Who will hand off to Murray?

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Who's the Best #5

Kids - The #5 is not a deep number in Sooner lore. Below are the nominees:

Steve Davis – my first Sooner autograph. 3rd leading rushing QB in Sooner history, Davis led the Sooners to 32 wins, 1 loss and 1 tie in games he started from 73-75, and led the Sooners to AP National Championships in 1974 and 75. Davis was the third most prolific passer when he left OU, passing for 2,036. He’s presently 14th on the list in total yards, and 9th in TD passes.
Earl Johnson – FB during the halcyon days of yore, aka 1982-1986. If memory serves me correctly, Earl was in a horrific traffic accident with Keith Stanberry. As a freshman in 1983 against Colorado, Johnson ran for 258 yards on 28 attempts, and rushed for over 100 yards in 4 other games that year. The injury cut short his effectiveness beyond that.
Ahmed Kabba – Left after two years. Caught big TD pass in a miserable game against Coach Fran led Frogs. Left the program early.
Brandon Shelby – Defensive Back and special teams player between 2000-05, Brandon ranks 3rd in tackles for loss by a DB in his career.

Glyn Milburn – was here for the 1988 season. I think Glyn flunked out and transferred to Stanford, where he had a successful collegiate career and then went on to the NFL.

The latest update on QBs

I think Stoops is going to have them participate in a Sudoku challenge. After all, the popular little test allows you to consider probabilities, analyze data, and make decisions. Just like football, except slower paced and there's no steroid fueled defender intending to maim you as you execute based upon the decision. And, oh yeah, I've never had 70,000+ people analyze my Sudoku decision.

I'm intentionally ignoring the obsession of who's going to be the OU QB...I loathe how the Dallas and OKC papers have notes each day saying, "no decision has been made". Particularly in OKC, my guess is that when the announcement is made, it'll be front page sports news, if not front page altogether. Seems like the old joke about the husband who told his wife, "I told you a loved you when I married you, I'll let you know when that changes."

Friday, August 17, 2007

Emmanuel Moody might transfer to Boone State...

By USC Sports Correspondent Snoop Dogg

Los Angeles, CA (LTP) "Yesterday we learned thiznat forma Coppell High stizzar Emmanuel Moody intends ta transfa from USC. Pusha we learned T-H-to-tha-izzat a likely option fo` Moody is none wanna be gangsta tizzle tha Boone State University Cowboys . Originally, Moody has committed ta tha Longhorns, but lata switched ta tha Trojans , ya feel me?. Moody was one of tha Trojan runn'n backs featured on western U.S version tha crazy ass nigga of Sports Illustrated fo` this week's College Football Preview. From SI cova ta hop'n not ta be a scrub at Oklahoma State . Aint no stoppin' this shit nigga. If that's not proof of tha SI Brotha Jizzay I don't kizzy what is . Ill slap tha taste out yo mouf."

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Dallas Morning News Predicts Texas 5A Division 1 Championship

I can handle DMN dissing the Frogs, but this is unacceptable.

The writer, Brandon George, is giving the Landthieves some props, but the webmaster is completely dissing us.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Switzer new talk show host on XM

I learned earlier this week that Barry Switzer will now be a radio host. Last night, I had the strangest dream, I thought I would share it with you.

TJ: Welcome to the inaugural XM Sports Nation this Morning, my name is T.J. Rives. Coach Switzer, how are thing in Norman?

Barry Switzer: TJ, they are just ^$$@ awesome. I've got a couple of friends coming over after the show and we're going to watch me punch Dale Hansen on youtube.

TJ: Alright, let's take our first caller. Jon from Sallisaw, you're on the air with Coach Switzer.

Jon in Sallisaw: Coach, I still think you got a raw deal back in 1989. You're the greatest. Thanks, and I'll hang up and listen.

BS: Jon, thanks, but you didn't ask a question. T.J., who the h@# do we have next?

TJ: Coach, we have Eugene from Broken Bow.

Eugene in Broken Bow: Coach, do you think Oklahoma will go back to the wishbone this year?

BS: Eugene, thanks for your call. I'm a big fan of the wishbone, but I think it's tough to be an elite team running the wishbone today. You see, the 'bone is predicated in getting bigger faster people to the corner than the defense. With those big @#$! safeties in the BCS conferences often weigh 220 and up, and the overall speed at every position on the ***** field, I think it's much tougher to be successful running the 'bone in today's college football. As a result, I don't see Coach Stoops bringing back the 'bone. TJ, who's up?

TJ: Next, we have Steve in Enid.

Steve in Enid: Coach, I was at that game against Rice in 1978. That was awesome! Hey, do you think Stoops will go back to the 'bone this year? It doesn't look like we have a QB this year, and maybe we should just get more RBs on the field?

BS: Steve, as I was telling Eugene a couple of moments ago, I don't think the bone is coming back to Norman anytime soon. TJ, give us another #$!#$@ question.

TJ: Our next caller is Monte from Bowlegs.

Monte from Bowlegs: Coach, I don't think the QB position is going to be very good this year. Do you think we can just go back to the wishbone?

BS: ***! Monte, I think I've answered this a couple of times before. The three QB's they have battling right now probably throw the ball better than anybody I ever coached in college, with the exception of Troy Aikman, who we ran out of - Girls! You're here early. The hot tub is out back. I'll be there in a few minutes. TJ, where the $^&% were we?

TJ: Next, we have Dave from Weatherford.

Dave from Weatherford: Coach, I was at the 1985 game against Nebraska. That was an awesome W! Boomer! Click.

TJ: Callers, please have a question for Coach Switzer. It just makes things easier. As long as the question isn't about the wishbone. Next up is Pat from Owasso.

Pat from Owasso: Coach, do you remember when Troy broke his leg against Miami in 1985 and you brought in Jamelle and you boys won the national championship? Who on the team do you think could come in and run the wishbone like that for the Sooners today? I'll hang up and listen.

BS: $%***$! You've got to be ****** kidding me. TJ, if you can't find someone to ask a question about something other than the wishbone, I'm out of here.

TJ: Next, we have Junior from Cordell. Junior has promised to avoid the wishbone topic. Go ahead, Junior, you're on the air with Coach Switzer.

Junior from Cordell: Coach, do you remember after the Colorado game in 1987, you went to Legends and had a few drinks and started talking to a communications major?

BS: Brunette or blond?

Junior from Cordell: Brunette.

BS: Not really, I talk to a lot of coeds after a victory. It helps me wind down.

Junior from Cordell: Well, I think you did more than talk, because she tells me that you're my -- .

TJ: I think we lost Junior. Next, we have Demetrius in Wewoka.

Demetrius in Wewoka: Coach -

BS: Demetrius, please turn off !#$ your radio while you're on the phone.

Demetrius in Wewoka- Sorry, coach. Don't you think Keith Nichol would be a good wishbone QB? I think we could use Joe Jon Finley as FB, Allen Patrick at one HB and DeMarco Murray at the other HB. What do you think?

BS: ****** TJ, I'm madder than Woody Hayes at the ***** Gator Bowl. Next question.

TJ: Next we have Jay in Bristow. Jay, you're on the air.

Jay from Bristow: Coach, what do you think about Air Force abandoning the wishbone? Don't you think they could still win with that offense?

BS: Girls, make room for me in the hot tub.
TJ: Coach? Well, I guess that's all for today. Be sure and tune in on Friday, when Coach Switzer talks to us about gun control.

Switzer to Host Price is Right

Barry Switzer continued his path toward global domination today when representatives from both parties announced that Drew Carey has stepped down from the Price is Right and that former Oklahoma Sooner and Dallas Cowboys football coach Barry Switzer would the one to replace TV legend Bob Barker. Carey was forced to resign when a Michael Vick jersey was found in his attic. Details of the agreement between Switzer and the Price is Right were not immediately available. In a prepared statement, Switzer said, "Have you seen the Price is Right girls? I can't wait to get started."

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

UT FB Program established new scholarship program

by Shea Morenz, Austin bureau chief

Austin, TX (LTP) - The University of Texas announced a new program to give scholarships to designated drivers for the Longhorn football team. A couple of years ago, UT disbanded the Texas Angels, a group of hostesses at the university. Today, the school announced the antithesis of the Texas Angels, a new group of scholar-athletes aptly named the Dell Customer Service Center.

The Dell Customer Service Center team members are already noted around the globe for their limited English skills, irregular hygiene, poor socialization and inability to attract the opposite sex. DeLoss Dodds said, "Michael Dell came to us with this idea. He really wanted to help with the football program, and he felt like this program would be a great way to help the city, as well as get the players home safely from parties."

The group will be equipped with the latest in bluetooth technology, burnt orange bowties and NoDoz so that the can answer customer service calls while driving the Longhorns to and from Austin area parties. Dodds added, "This should keep the players from obtaining further DUIs, and we are hopeful that the drivers, who will be with the players around the clock, will deter other criminal activity through the pervasive threat of the availability of the Dell agents to be witnesses to further crimes."

Monday, August 13, 2007

UT Linebacker still not arrested

Austin, TX (LTP) - Defensive co-coordinator Larry Mac Duff praised sophomore Roddrick Muckelroy this week for his progress in learning a new LB position. In a cost cutting move, the DMN left out the following quote, "One of the most important thing that Roddrick has learned is to STAY OUT OF FREAKING JAIL which is really important this time of year for our remaining linebackers."

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Report From Scrimmage

Loving the new college experience...they have wireless networks in the library. Who'da thunk? Back in my day, we didn't have networks, or wireless networks. And we liked it.

Anywho, here are the HeadThief's thoughts of the scrimmage portions that I watched.
Our deep snapper is very accurate...several pundits proclain our offensive line unit as one of the best in the nation, if not the best...well, our d-line must be unfreaking believable then...personally, none of the QB's wowed me, in part because the o-line was busy being dominated, passes were mostly dumpoffs and screens. IMO, Nichol probably had the best scrimmage, and I believe it is b/c he's the most mobile of the three...Nichol led them to the one offensive TD that I witnessed...Bradford appears to be the least mobile (though he's not a post ACL Jason White)...Adron Tonnell got a lot of balls thrown his way when the ball was thrown to a WR...physically, he's a specimen and I hope to see more of that on the field this year...Garrett Hartley missed on a 57 yarder (wide left) and I expect him to have his scholarship revoked any day now...Mossis Madu looked good late in the scrimmage.

We here at LandThieves spent all of our budget to secure a former Sooner HC roundtable to analyze today's scrimmage. Now, let's welcome Barry Switzer, Gary Gibbs, Howard Schnellengberger and John Blake...

LT: Thanks for coming guys. Coach Gibbs, let's start with you, since I know you need to get back to New Orleans. What did you think of the scrimmage?
GG: Well, we just wanted to secure the football and play good defense. Unfortunately, turnovers and penaltives kept us from being successful today offensively.
LT: The more things change, the more they stay the same. Thanks for that insight, Coach. Coach Blake, what did you think of the performance of the lines?
JB: Uh, the defensive line they played real well I thought. Those guys on the other side, whaddya call 'em offensive linemen?...well, they're just such good kids, and they been working real hard. It breaks my heart to see them struggle like that.
LT: Thanks John. Tell Butch Davis we said hi. Coach - and I use that term loosely -Schnellenberger, you've seen some great QBs in your careers, what did you think of the QB play?
HS: You d*** okies don't know $h!~ about football. Jim Kelly, now that guy was a quarterback!
LT: Barry, you were out there watching a bit. What did you think?
BS: Well, we had a couple of oskies on the defensive side of the ball, and that's always good. DeMarco Murray reminds me of Lil Joe Washington, so I gave him a $100 bill.
LT: Coach, I think that's against NCAA rules.
BS: That's funny, it was then too.
LT: Coach Switzer, did you have any other observations?
BS: That Bradford kid's got a great looking girlfriend. I'd like to see more of that -
LT: Barry! That's enough. I guess that wraps things up for today, thanks for your time everyone.

HeadThief returns to HomeLand

We're heading up to Oklahoma in a bit. There are good family reasons for the trip, but I also will be watching the Sooner scrimmage today and going to the TigerLoveFest that appears to be headed to Southern Hills on Sunday. Lord willing, I will not spontaneously combust while watching sporting events. I'm just as curious about how the QBs look as I am about how the new screen in the north end zone looks at the stadium. Being a south end zone dweller for 17 years, it might be nice to watch a replay without turning around.

We are now in Day 5 (I think it's five, don't have time for research) of FrogWatch. There was a nice note in the DMN about the departing coach of the U of Minnesota Women's hockey team, though. Which is good, I was dying to know about that. Makes me wonder which gets read more, this lonely blog or notes about collegiate women's hockey in a university 1500 miles away when it's 100 degress outside.

I'll likely be silent for a couple of days as a result of the trip.

Friday, August 10, 2007

More Fun With Longhorns

The fine folks at Disco Tech! came across a wonderful tribute to the recent UT criminal justice field trips. Be sure and check it out.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Supply Demand Curve Revisited

I saw on EDSBS the other day a piece from Wendell Barnhouse that at Pitt a $120 season ticket (7 game schedule), a second season ticket can be had for $10. That supply demand curve is a beast sometimes, isn’t it? The fans must be missing Tyler Palko.

The beauty of the web is I could see what other ticket prices are around the country.
Boise State Broncos season tix range from $110-300.
Memphis Tigers range from $90-250. For $700 you can get in the Stadium Club. I think the benefit here is that in the Stadium Club, you don’t have to watch the game.
Illinois $60-$214
TCU - $75 each (frog zone plan, 4 minimum) – up to $200. I gotta think this is one of the better values in D-1 football. Also, you need to go to the game in person because the local papers won’t cover it.
Phog Allen U – Family pack of four for $350. Normal folk $275. If you bring a non-perishable food item to Shamangino’s office before the game, you get in free.
BYU – range from $96 in the end zone to $330 for west side chair seats. Legacy Club seats run $1,100, and your third wife gets in free.
Mizzou – regular joe $266. Family fun pass (2 adults, 3 kids) is $440. I don’t now why Missouri families are bigger than Kansas families, and I couldn't think of a good punchline.
USC Trojans - $295 for a six game package
Texas Convicts - $355. Tour of Travis County Jail an additional $10. LSU - $305. The picture on this page says it all.

LSU - This picture says it all.
CU Later - $205 - $355. Buffs separate shoulder patting themselves on back for not raising ticket prices. After a 2-10 year. They must be confident.
Boone State - $359. In my favorite marketing move, students have to purchase an all sports pass to get basketball tickets at Boone state, and the ASP includes football tickets.

Other Musings today...

Thompson Getting Positive Reviews as QB

Holy cow. Saw this article this morning on former Sooner QB Paul Thompson. Looks like he is making positive impressions in cheese land.

Two Quick notes on this topic:

  1. name the last OU player drafted by GB to be a success in GB? I can't think of one either. De'Mond Parker flamed out; Torrance Marshall didn't take advantage of numerous chances, and I don't think Darrell Reed, Patrick Collins or Frank Blevins are making the Packers HOF anytime soon. Keith Jackson in the twilight of his career is the closest thing you can find to a Sooner contributing to the Packers, but he was drafted by the Eagles. Of course, PT wasn't drafted either, as the article indicates he signed a free agent contract.

  2. did some internet sleuthing this morning and can't find any evidence that a Sooner QB that completed his eligibility at OU has ever been a QB in the NFL. We can wave the Troy Aikman flag, but he finished his career at UCLA. JC Watts kicked butt in the CFL, winning the Grey Cup MVP his rookie year. So we've got that going for us, which is nice.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Who's the Best #4?

The #4 is a strong number in Sooner lore, as per below:

  • Pee Wee Woods – corner from 96-99, presently plays in the NFL.
  • Travis Wilson – receiver from Carrollton, TX drafted by the Cleveland Browns in the 3rd round. Travis played the 02-05 seasons at OU, compiling 1,300 receiving yards (14th) and 104 receptions (8th).
  • Buster Rhymes – uber-talented and troubled RB/WR/KR from 1980-1984. Buster holds the career mark for KR yards, has the longest KR in Sooner history (100 yds as a frosh) and led the Sooners in receiving yards in the run oriented days of 1983. Presently 9th in career all purpose yards. Sat out 1982 season for disciplinary reasons. 4th round pick of the Minnesota Vikings in 1985. Drug issues derailed his NFL career, if memory serves me correctly. Plus, a rapper is named after him.
  • Elvis Peacock – one of the best names in college FB history. RB from 74-77. Stands 20th all-time in rushing yards. Scored 31 TDs from 74-77. Would have had better stats, but shared backfield with Kenny King, Joe Washington and Billy Sims. First round draft pick by the Rams in 1978.
  • Tommy O’Hara – one of the best Irish Sooners ever.
  • P.J. Mills – WR from 93-95. I vividly remember watching PJ coast into the end zone in the Carrier Dome against the ‘cuse in 1994. The ball was punched out just before PJ scored, and Syracuse roared back to take a lead in the game, only for Garrick McGee to lead the Sooners into FG range and Scott Blanton kicked the field goal. Enough about me…
  • Malcolm Kelly – will be in the NFL soon. Malcolm posted the 2nd highest receiving yardage total in OU history during the 2006 campaign. After only two seasons, Kelly ranks 11th in total career receiving yards. Wore #2 his during his freshman season (2005).
  • Jamelle Holieway – came off the bench when Troy Aikman was hurt against University of Miami in 1985. Led the Sooners to national championship and three Orange Bowls. Suffered debilitating knee injury against Boone State. Holieway is the career leader in QB rushing at OU with 2,713 yards, and 8th on the career rushing TD list with 30. Holieway finished his career as the 3rd leading passer in Sooner history, but presently ranks 10th on that list.
  • Antonio Perkins – wore this number before becoming a fabulous kick returner/DB wearing number 28.

Cast your votes in the poll, and comment on your choice if you wish.

Courtesy Coverage of TCU Athletics

The DMN does a better job of covering LandThief sports than the TCU Horned Frogs. And why wouldn't they? With a tip of the hat to my purple friends, here is some coverage of TCU sports. Frog coverage even seems to be sliding in the Startlegram, as it is listed under "colleges", like there's not one in the city.

High Times Magazine Picks JD Weed as POY

by Joe Huff, College Football Insider
High Times magazine announced yesterday they have selected Baylor QB John David Weed as their preseason College Football Player of the Year. Curiously, in this inauguaral year for High Times Magazine to cover college football, no other preseason picks were made.

Yesterday was a bittersweet day for JDW, as the sleuths at BearMeat identified the WacoTrib article that Blake Szymanski and Mike Machen are getting a "majority of the snaps". (Editor comment: I would provide a link to the story out of respect to the Waco Trib, but the @#$!#$ thing won't work.) As a result, Weed referred all interview requests to the firm handling his Heisman campaign. Spicoli and Holieway were unavailable for comment.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Charlie Weis Receives Message from God

Yesterday, ND Football Coach Charlie Weis asked God to "strike me dead" if he mentioned the word "rebuilding". In a LandThief exclusive, we found an unnamed source who claims God has answered back and has indicated the Creator (and we're not talking Andre Wiley here) will strike Charlie dead if he mentions any of the following phrases:

  • "Yes, I would like to Biggie size my combo meal"
  • "No thanks, I don't care for a salad."
  • "Mark Mangino looks fat in that outfit."
  • "Brady, forget football, I think you should be a singer."
  • "Do these pants make me look skinny?"

Provide other lethal comments for Charlie below, if you wish.

In Other Related Topics...

In 2001, Gary Barnett led the Colorado Buffaloes to the Big 12 Championship with the motto "Return to Dominance". After two arrests and three suspensions last week, it appears Dan Hawkins motto for the season may be "Return to Cell block H".

Notre Dame DL Derrell Hand was arrested last week for soliciting an undercover police officer posed as a prostitute. There are tons of jokes that I'll leave off (for now) regarding a Catholic school kid named Hand soliciting a lady of the evening. The most disturbing news for the Irish may be the quote from the story, "A junior from Philadelphia, Hand was expected to compete for a starting spot or to be a key reserve at defensive end, even though he had not seen action during his first two seasons at ND." In today's world of rotating D-Lineman, combined with the "Defense on Roller Skates" exhibited last year by the FishEaters, the fact that Hand couldn't get on the field the previous two years does not bode well for Charlie Weis' squad in 2007.

Finally, I read in the Norman Transcript yesterday that the Sooners continue to shuffle DB's around, with Lendy Holmes moving to safety. Venables moved DJ Wolfe their last year. The constant rotation of DBs to different positions makes this quasi reporter nervous. Seems to me the more we move Reggie, DJ, Lewis Baker and Lendy around, the better the likelihood of them thinking their in one position when they really are in another, a la Baylor in 2005 and Oregon in 2006. Which may allow Adarius Bowman to get open with just his good eye.

Rest In Peace, Mr. Austin

I'm taking time out from normal stuff to pay my respects to Mr. Jimmie Austin, who was instrumental in me having a better than decent place to play golf as a teen and contributed in immeasurable ways to my hometown and later to my alma mater. Mr. Austin passed away last week, and this obituary says it better than I can here. Mr. Austin, may peace be with you.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Austin Announces Longhorn Trading Cards

by LandThief Press Austin Correspondent Edwin Simmons

Austin, TX (LTP) - Art Acevado, newly crowned Chief of Police for the City of Austin, is planning to announce the issuance of the first ever Texas Longhorn Trading Cards. In a LandThief Press exclusive, we've obtained an example of one of the trading cards as well as the press release.

"The trading cards are an innovative way to connect with the youth in the Austin area. This is a unique program that we've launched, as not only do the cards have the players picture, height and weight, the UTPD has also assisted us in publishing the license plate numbers and finger prints for each of the Longorns. In this way, not only are we able to reach out to the city's youth, but we may also turn up some additional leads in some unsolved cases where we've exhausted all leads."

"Police officers and detectives will have the cards beginning August 15th, and will be distributing them over the next several weeks throughout the city. "

A copy of My Little Pony's card is shown below, prior to the finger prints being printed, as the cards have not been completed.

Longhorn Players Must "Earn the Right"

By LandThief Press Austin Correspondent Edwin Simmons
Austin, TX (LTP) - In announcing suspensions for Henry Melton and Sergio Kindle for their DWI transgressions, UT FB coach Mack Brown said, "Most of our issues have been with younger players who were not on the national championship team. That's why our slogan for the year is going to be 'Earn The Right.'"

As a quick refresher, several of the Longhorns have already learned the following rights.
  • The right to remain silent
  • The right to due process
  • The right to a speedy trial
  • The right to consult an attorney
  • The right to an attorney if you cannot afford one
  • The right to a jury of peers

Saturday, August 4, 2007

LandThieves Announces Longhorn Criminal Activity Alert System

by Bernie Kerik, Special Contributor to LandThief Press

Coppell, TX (LTP) - As a result of the recent events in Austin, Homeland Security invited LandThieves to develop the Longhorn Criminal Activity Alert system. We believe it will be a vital tool in following Longhorn football in the coming months, and may help the good citizens of Austin determine if and when it is safe to go outside.

The advisory system is based upon six different alerts: safe, low, guarded, elevated, high and severe. They will be represented by six present and former Texas Longhorns: Matthew McConaughey, Edwin Simmons, Ricky Williams, Cedric Benson, Ramonce Taylor and Robert Joseph.

A number of factors will be used to analyze the likelihood of a Longhorn being cited or arrested for some act against the citizens of Travis County: Is it football season? Is school in session? Is it a weekend? Is Matthew McConaughey in town? Does today end in a “y”?

Because there has been much confusion over the Homeland Security terror alert system, we thought we might explain the different levels through examples.

Matthew McConaughey – safe. Longhorns are generally indoors, perhaps running around naked, smoking dope and playing drums. No threat to the general public.

Edwin Simmons – low. Having someone naked and drunk in your backyard can certainly be unsettling, but as long as he’s outside and you’re inside you should be fine.

Ricky Williams – guarded. As in guard your food, Longhorns are under the influence of marijuana and have a serious case of the munchies.

Cedric Benson – elevated. If Cedric thinks you stole his TV, he is coming in. Best to keep your blinds closed and doors locked.

Ramonce Taylor – high. High from the marijuana, armed with guns. Not a good combo. Best to stay away from outdoor parties in Austin and the surrounding area.

Robert Joseph – severe. Longhorns around town have propensity for misdemeanor burglary and aggravated assault. It's a good idea to visit San Antonio, or heaven forbid, College Station.

Since it is late Saturday night, football season is not active, and it is a weekend, the alert level is presently Ramonce Taylor.We here at LTP will continue to monitor the situation and revise the alert as appropriate.

Ryan Perrilloux to Transfer to Texas

by Joe Huff, College Football Analyst
Often implicated but never duplicated QB Ryan Perrilloux announced at 8:01 pm last night that he was transferring to the Unviersity of Texas. Many pundits were surprised yesterday when LSU Tigers coach Les Miles announced that Perilloux would be reinstated at 800 p.m. Friday.

The plot thickened immediately thereafter. Perrilloux came into the team meeting wearing a Longhorn hat. If you recall, Perriloux proclaimed as a h.s. senior that he would save Greg Davis' job as Longhorn offensive coordinator and beat out then sophomore Vince Young. Since that proclamation, Perrilloux changed his mind when Les Miles came calling and signed with LSU, failed to beat out Matt Mauck and JaMarcus Russell for the QB slot, and has had numerous encounters with the legal authorities in Louisiana, including using a fake ID to enter a casino and being proclaimed a "person of interest" related to a counterfeiting scheme.

I sat down with Perrilloux after the announcement for a brief Q&A:

LTP: Ryan, this was quite a surprise, why did you make this decision?
RP: There were four reasons I felt like I needed to make this decision. 1) I just need a fresh start...the casinos in this state just keep calling my name, and I need to get away from there.; b) I know I'm better than Vince Young, imagine what Greg Davis could do with me; c) even if I do get into trouble in Austin, there are so many other 'horns in trouble with the law that I will fit right in.

LTP: Excuse me, Ryan, that was only three reasons.
RP: Really? I must have lost count. Oh, yeah, Mack Brown promised me I could wear my favorite jersey number.

LTP: And the jersey number is?
RP: 1206314. It's a little long, but UT-Austin and the Travis County Jail have worked out an arrangement where the players can wear their prisoner numbers on their jersey. The number's a little smaller on the jersey number now, but it allows the police to identify the players easier after the game.

Friday, August 3, 2007

UT and Joe Jamail Announce Innovative Donation

by LTP Austin Correspondent Edwin Simmons
Austin, TX (LTP) - The University of Texas announced a first of its kind donation as famed Houston attorney and UT alum Joe Jamail announced a $5 million dollar donation for UT athletics. In an unusual twist, the funds were directed not toward the Longhorn AD coffers, but for necessary refurbishments to the workout facilities at the Travis County jail.

DeLoss Dodds said, "We are very appreciative of Joe's continued generosity and support of Longhorn athletics. Several of our student-athletes-convicts were really struggling with staying in shape and on track with their voluntary workouts during their stays at the Travis County Jail. With Joe's donation, the County will be able to renovate the gym and help the kids stay on track with their programs, no matter how long they are detained."

UT Coach Mack Brown and Austin Mayor Will Winn vehemently denied reports that the city would rename the Travis County Jail "Fred Akers Dormitory for Criminal Justice Studies".

Thursday, August 2, 2007

This Day in LandThief History...

On August 2, 2006, HeadVisor dismissed JD Quinn and Rhett Bomar from the Sooner FB team for receiving more money for less work.

It has now been 346 days (and counting!) since our last major infractions were self reported to the NCAA.

Something we haven't done...

by HeadThief, Senior Editor-in-Charge
This reporter was amused to read Andrew Cuomo's announcement yesterday of subpoena's to several D-1 schools athletic departments and potential improper promotion of a student lending provider. This is in addition to Mr. Cuomo's previous work around student lending improprieties at USC, UT-Austin and Columbia U. I was unable to confirm if the USC Director of Financial Aid was involved in rent payments for Reggie Bush, but apparently she bought a nice baby gift for Matt Leinart and his ex-girlfriend saying, that "Surfer boy probably won't be around as a daddy anyway." I think the gent at UT-Austin has used his ill gotten gain to post bail for drunk Longhorn footballers, but that could be just a rumor.

The biggest shocker of all of this, of course, is that the the beloved Oklahoma University Athletic Department was not named in this sub poena. When asked to comment about the suit, Joe Castiglione said, "I know nothing about this operation. Is it too late to get in? Sounds like there's money to be made. You know we wouldn't pocket the money ourselves, we would use it to keep the price of football tickets down. No, really, I mean that."

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Big 12 South Preview

By HeadThief, LandThief Press Senior Editor-in-charge

1 – Texas – oh, how it pains me to do this. Why they’ll win: If My Little Pony is healthy, Mack has a top flight QB, his leading rusher and six top receivers returning. Why they won’t win: The D was not good last year, and they lost two of their top four defenders. As a Sooner, I’m hoping Greg Davis reverts to pre-VY play-calling, they lose a couple of receivers to DUI and/or drug charges, and no one steps up on the defensive side of the ball.
2 – LandThieves – Why they will win: Stoops returns 8 starters on O and 7 starters on D. The secondary lost no one to graduation/completion of eligibility. DeMarco Murray will help everyone get over AD getting a pay increase in Minnesota, and the D should be solid. This team will run ALOT and with an experienced O-line they should control the line of scrimmage and the clock. Why they won’t win: No experience at QB, and someone will force the QB to make a play that their inexperience will preclude them from doing. The D-line lost a lot.
3 – Boone State U – I resorted to the RANDBETWEEN function in Excel again, as I really think one can make an effective case for any of Boone State, Cash Machine U and the Pirates to be third. Billy Gates went out on a limb and picked the ‘pokes third. Why they might win: Bobby Reid is a talented QB and they have lots of offensive weapons. Why they won’t win: Questions on D abound, and Gundy may continue to shuffle Zac Robinson and Reid, just to confuse everyone. There’s also a decent chance that the Boone State U administration decides to buy T Boone out. By the time they decide on an acceptable price, the ‘pokes may have to fold up the gridon and sell commemorative bricks from Lewis field so they can keep the women’s golf and tennis teams going. You’ve got to stick at what you’re good at.
4 – Pirates – Why they might win: First time in since 2002 they’ve had a returning QB, and Mike Leach led teams always figure out how to score points. Why they won’t win: Dust University returns only 5 starters on each side of the ball. One of the things that separates the top teams from the close to the top teams is depth, and I think that inexperience and depth will hurt the Pirates this year.
5 – Cash Machine U – If I hadn’t deferred to the Billy Gates / Miss Cleo methods on spots 3-5, there’s no way I pick the maroon and white to be fifth in this division. Why they might win: Aggies return top three rushers (Goodson, Lane and McGree) and Fran do like to run the ball. Overall, nine offensive starters return from 06. Why they won’t win: I’m still not sold on a Gary Darnell led defense. Mike Stoops he ain’t.

6 – Baylor Bears – my apologies to the folks at BearMeat and my daughter, a Bear fan. Why they might win: There's been a lot of talk about pandemic illnesses. With the right plagues in the right places, it could happen. Why they won't win: Baylor lost their QB, top rusher, and three of their top four receivers. I’m a Guy Morris fan, but I think the QB situation is too unproven, and they lost too much to graduation.

Miss Cleo contributed to this report.

Boone State #1 in Preseason Poll

by Senior College Football Analyst Joe Huff
Hong Kong, China (LTP) - Boone Pickens recently took a trip to China which was allegedly planned for BP's business interests. However, in an exhaustive investigative journey through southeast Asia, LTP has discovered the real motive behind the trip - to find a league where the Mike Gundy led Boone State Cowboys could win a championship. Through this junket, Pickens discovered the Pokes could clearly be the best American college football team in China, bought the Chinese government run newspaper, added a sports section and released the poll, which had no one ranked #2.

In a prepared statement, Coach Mike Gundy said, "Boy, this really takes the pressure off to win now. Actually, it's not that there's no pressure now, but the pressure is different. Now we need to find another American college football team in China."

Boone State gymnastics resigned upon hearing the news, and Boone State disanded the program. The gymmastics coaches were unavailable for comment.

University Chairman Boone Pickens said, "I'm an impatient man and I'm 80. My $165 million last year got me a 3-5 Big 12 conference record and tied with Baylor for last in the South Division. It's tough to turn around years of losing, I've got my name on the stadium, and we even discussed putting my name on the seats. If T. Boone Pickens name is going to be associated with winning football, and not for wrecking the town of Bartlesville, OK, I think this is the quickest way to do that."