Alcohol

Mammoth Sooner OT Phil Loadholt was arrested last weekend for DUI and violating the state's open container law, according to the internets. Loadholt is 6-8, 351 lbs, per the Sooner web site (which is fraught with inconsistencies - he's 337 on one page, and 351 on another). He was tested with a BAL level of 0.15.

During my exhaustive research for this story, I found a handy blood alcohol calculator. For you out of state folks, Oklahoma's legal limit for alcohol content in beer is 3.2% According to this calculator, 351 lb Phil would have to consume 22 bottles of beer in a two hour period. Short of using a tool like pictured at left, it would be very difficult to consume that much alcohol in such a short period of time. If Phil were drinking Jack Daniels, he would have to drink 17 shots in a 3 hour period.

To contrast, being a 5'10" 210 lb lifelong Baptist, my alcohol consumption abilities are vastly inferior to Mr. Loadholt's. A similar amount and consumption time would leave me with a BAL of 0.27. According to the OU PD site, a .25 BAL level leaves one with 'all mental physical and sensory functions are severely impaired', and 0.30 gives one a level of "STUPOR. You have little comprehension of where you are. You may pass out suddenly and be difficult to awaken." So I would be somewhere between severely impaired and about to pass out. Phil's BAL level of .15 left him merely with gross motor impairment and lack of physical control. Both get you locked up.

One of the amusing elements of this, first read at Orson Swindle's EveryDayShouldbe Saturday.com, is that the OU PD has a blood alcohol level calculator on their website. However, you have to be 240 lbs or less to use the tools, so they are no use whatsoever to most of the football team. I think a petition should be started to modify the OU website, so that it might be a more useful stool to one of the most visible elements of the student body. It's even possible Mr. Loadholt could consider the university as responsible for his actions,being that a reliable calculator was not made available by the university.

For further analysis on this story, we contacted the Landthieves legal analyst, Cedric Benson. However, it's 945 pm on Saturday, and Ced's been out on his boat all day, so let's just leave it at "Mr. Benson was unavailable for comment."

New Developments on Testigate

by LandThieves Legal Analyst Cedric Benson

Brian Thomas, the University of Texas fan that had the distinct experience of "hearing his scrotum tear" has now file a civil complaint against his assailant, Michael Beckett, and seeks over $100,000 in damages. We're going to assume this reader base is literate (by definition, at least) and encourage you to read the article. Following is analysis by yours truly that you won't get anywhere else.

Beckett's mouthpiece, attorney Billy Bock (no relation to Shiner, I checked it out) says, "Every bit of the investigation that's been done supports our side of things." Well la-dee-freaking-da. What did you expect the lawyer to say, "Where would you like the check mailed?". So, no new news on the defendant side.

Here's the most interesting thing in the article, in this legal expert's opinion. Thomas' lawsuit mentions a "possible connection to a local sports rivalry." that's preposterous. The bar he was in, Henry Hudson's, is in Oklahoma City. The University of Oklahoma is in Norman, and Texas University is in Austin. According to dictionary.com, the definition of local is, "pertaining to a city, town or small district" rather than an entire state or country. The Red River Rivalry is not a local rivalry. This dude's geographical understanding is deplorable, and this false statement will likely lead to the entire case being thrown out.

Finally, how do you place a dollar value on the trauma from having your scrotum torn? I'm no economics major or anything, but $50k each for the family jewels just doesn't seem like enough. I can't think of any jewels more priceless than my own.

LandThieves hires Legal Analyst

In our constant effort to keep up to date with the WWL, we here at LTP have opened up the coffers to hire our own legal analyst. We figured with the constant legal matters that confuse the everyday sports fan, we could assist our loyal reader(s) with our own legal analyst. Without further ado, LTP announces the hiring of former Chicago Bears and Texas Longhorn standout Cedric Benson. As a matter of introduction, we thought we'd do a little bit of a Q&A.

Joe Huff: Cedric, you don't have a law degree, what makes you qualified to be a legal analyst?
Cedric: I have six years of hands-on legal experience, including experience in marijuana possession, minor in possession, criminal trespassing, boating while intoxicated, resisting arrest and driving under the influence.
Joe: That's quite impressive.
Cedric: I'm two more citations away from a free tattoo on Sixth Street.
Joe: Good luck with that. Cedric, as we all know, you are a former Longhorn student. Why join forces with an Oklahoma Sooners fan's blog?
Cedric: That's an excellent question. If I may, I'd like to support that with three points. 1) There's a history of folks "jumping to the other side". The stadium in Austin is named after a Sooner alum; b) Many Texas high school players achieve success in Oklahoma; great names like Billy Sims, Tommie Harris, Adrian Peterson, Joe Washington, Quentin Griffin and Donta Hickson; 2) In four games against Oklahoma, I had 167 yards on 57 carries. I averaged 119 ypg game against everyone else in college football, and 42 ypg against the Sooners. As a result, I believe the Sooners already owned me. This just formalizes things.
Joe: Any projects you have in the hopper?
Cedric: First of all, we'll be looking into startling new developments in Testigate. Be sure to look for it soon.
Joe: We look forward to this partnership. And you might want to pour that out before you get back in the car.