Sooners Announce Additional Infractions, Vacate Blake Era

By HeadThief, LandThief Press Editor-in-Charge

Norman, OK (LTP) - In a stunning development today, the University of Oklahoma reported additional violations and self imposed sanctions related to Michael Vick’s alleged involvement in a competitive dog fighting operation.

President David Boren announced that the “failure to monitor” appeal regarding JD Quinn and Rhett Bomar's work at Big Red Sports and Imports was dropped. In a new revelation, Boren admitted that the University had failed to monitor the Michael Vick dog fighting situation properly and announced additional self imposed sanctions. “During a standard internal review, we realized that we had just as much ability to monitor Michal Vick allegedly lying about dog fighting on his property as we did about finding out that J.D. Quinn and Rhett Bomar were lying to us about hours worked at Big Red Sports. We felt it was in our best interests to report the matter ourselves, take responsibility and impose additional penalties. We are hopeful that the NCAA will find that we’ve addressed the situation appropriately.”

In addition to the loss of scholarships and vacating 8 wins from 2005 previously announced, the Sooners have now vacated the entire Blake era. John Blake was employed as head coach during the 1996, 97 and 98 seasons, and the Sooners amassed a 12-22 record during Mr. Blake's tenure. "While it is unfair to discount the hard work of many players and staff during that time, the truth is many of our fan base have been trying to vacate those seasons from their memories for years now. Give me a break...we were beaten by TCU, Tulsa, San Diego State, Kansas and Northwestern, among others, during those years."

Joe Castiglione indicated he is hopeful that investigators will find something to link the university to either the Reggie Bush house rental scandal at USC or Barry Bonds’ alleged steroid use. “We are optimistic that we can shed ourselves of the Schnellenberger era as well, that was a disaster.”

OU’s all time football record, after considering the self imposed sanctions, improves to 745-273-53, a winning percentage of 72.04%. This launched the Sooners into the #3 spot for winningest college football programs by winning percentage, as the Sooners leapfrogged the Texas Longhorns and the Ohio State Buckeyes.

Boren, Stoops on Hunger Strike

Boren, Stoops protest NCAA sanctions
By HeadThief, LandThief Press Editor-in-Charge

Norman, OK (LTP) – In an odd development after the NCAA findings were announced Thursday, Oklahoma University President David Boren and Football Coach Bob Stoops simultaneously shouted “No Fair!” slammed their office doors and started listening to loud music. They have not responded to repeated requests to come to dinner or talk out their feelings.

Sources close to the athletic department have hinted that both gentlemen are listening to Twisted Sister’s “We’re not gonna take it” on an endless loop. “They will get eventually get hungry and come out,” said Joe Castiglione, Director of Athletics.

Kenny Mossman, Associate Athletics Director for Communications and author of the Mossman Prophecies, was unavailable to provide a more precise estimate for future public appearances of the duo.