by Bernie Kerik, Special Contributor to LandThief Press
Coppell, TX (LTP) - As a result of the recent events in Austin, Homeland Security invited LandThieves to develop the Longhorn Criminal Activity Alert system. We believe it will be a vital tool in following Longhorn football in the coming months, and may help the good citizens of Austin determine if and when it is safe to go outside.
The advisory system is based upon six different alerts: safe, low, guarded, elevated, high and severe. They will be represented by six present and former Texas Longhorns: Matthew McConaughey, Edwin Simmons, Ricky Williams, Cedric Benson, Ramonce Taylor and Robert Joseph.
A number of factors will be used to analyze the likelihood of a Longhorn being cited or arrested for some act against the citizens of Travis County: Is it football season? Is school in session? Is it a weekend? Is Matthew McConaughey in town? Does today end in a “y”?
Because there has been much confusion over the Homeland Security terror alert system, we thought we might explain the different levels through examples.
Matthew McConaughey – safe. Longhorns are generally indoors, perhaps running around naked, smoking dope and playing drums. No threat to the general public.
Edwin Simmons – low. Having someone naked and drunk in your backyard can certainly be unsettling, but as long as he’s outside and you’re inside you should be fine.
Ricky Williams – guarded. As in guard your food, Longhorns are under the influence of marijuana and have a serious case of the munchies.
Cedric Benson – elevated. If Cedric thinks you stole his TV, he is coming in. Best to keep your blinds closed and doors locked.
Ramonce Taylor – high. High from the marijuana, armed with guns. Not a good combo. Best to stay away from outdoor parties in Austin and the surrounding area.
The advisory system is based upon six different alerts: safe, low, guarded, elevated, high and severe. They will be represented by six present and former Texas Longhorns: Matthew McConaughey, Edwin Simmons, Ricky Williams, Cedric Benson, Ramonce Taylor and Robert Joseph.
A number of factors will be used to analyze the likelihood of a Longhorn being cited or arrested for some act against the citizens of Travis County: Is it football season? Is school in session? Is it a weekend? Is Matthew McConaughey in town? Does today end in a “y”?
Because there has been much confusion over the Homeland Security terror alert system, we thought we might explain the different levels through examples.
Matthew McConaughey – safe. Longhorns are generally indoors, perhaps running around naked, smoking dope and playing drums. No threat to the general public.
Edwin Simmons – low. Having someone naked and drunk in your backyard can certainly be unsettling, but as long as he’s outside and you’re inside you should be fine.
Ricky Williams – guarded. As in guard your food, Longhorns are under the influence of marijuana and have a serious case of the munchies.
Cedric Benson – elevated. If Cedric thinks you stole his TV, he is coming in. Best to keep your blinds closed and doors locked.
Ramonce Taylor – high. High from the marijuana, armed with guns. Not a good combo. Best to stay away from outdoor parties in Austin and the surrounding area.
Robert Joseph – severe. Longhorns around town have propensity for misdemeanor burglary and aggravated assault. It's a good idea to visit San Antonio, or heaven forbid, College Station.
Since it is late Saturday night, football season is not active, and it is a weekend, the alert level is presently Ramonce Taylor.We here at LTP will continue to monitor the situation and revise the alert as appropriate.
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