LandThieves Announces Longhorn Criminal Activity Alert System

by Bernie Kerik, Special Contributor to LandThief Press

Coppell, TX (LTP) - As a result of the recent events in Austin, Homeland Security invited LandThieves to develop the Longhorn Criminal Activity Alert system. We believe it will be a vital tool in following Longhorn football in the coming months, and may help the good citizens of Austin determine if and when it is safe to go outside.

The advisory system is based upon six different alerts: safe, low, guarded, elevated, high and severe. They will be represented by six present and former Texas Longhorns: Matthew McConaughey, Edwin Simmons, Ricky Williams, Cedric Benson, Ramonce Taylor and Robert Joseph.

A number of factors will be used to analyze the likelihood of a Longhorn being cited or arrested for some act against the citizens of Travis County: Is it football season? Is school in session? Is it a weekend? Is Matthew McConaughey in town? Does today end in a “y”?

Because there has been much confusion over the Homeland Security terror alert system, we thought we might explain the different levels through examples.

Matthew McConaughey – safe. Longhorns are generally indoors, perhaps running around naked, smoking dope and playing drums. No threat to the general public.

Edwin Simmons – low. Having someone naked and drunk in your backyard can certainly be unsettling, but as long as he’s outside and you’re inside you should be fine.

Ricky Williams – guarded. As in guard your food, Longhorns are under the influence of marijuana and have a serious case of the munchies.

Cedric Benson – elevated. If Cedric thinks you stole his TV, he is coming in. Best to keep your blinds closed and doors locked.

Ramonce Taylor – high. High from the marijuana, armed with guns. Not a good combo. Best to stay away from outdoor parties in Austin and the surrounding area.

Robert Joseph – severe. Longhorns around town have propensity for misdemeanor burglary and aggravated assault. It's a good idea to visit San Antonio, or heaven forbid, College Station.

Since it is late Saturday night, football season is not active, and it is a weekend, the alert level is presently Ramonce Taylor.We here at LTP will continue to monitor the situation and revise the alert as appropriate.

Ryan Perrilloux to Transfer to Texas

by Joe Huff, College Football Analyst
Often implicated but never duplicated QB Ryan Perrilloux announced at 8:01 pm last night that he was transferring to the Unviersity of Texas. Many pundits were surprised yesterday when LSU Tigers coach Les Miles announced that Perilloux would be reinstated at 800 p.m. Friday.

The plot thickened immediately thereafter. Perrilloux came into the team meeting wearing a Longhorn hat. If you recall, Perriloux proclaimed as a h.s. senior that he would save Greg Davis' job as Longhorn offensive coordinator and beat out then sophomore Vince Young. Since that proclamation, Perrilloux changed his mind when Les Miles came calling and signed with LSU, failed to beat out Matt Mauck and JaMarcus Russell for the QB slot, and has had numerous encounters with the legal authorities in Louisiana, including using a fake ID to enter a casino and being proclaimed a "person of interest" related to a counterfeiting scheme.

I sat down with Perrilloux after the announcement for a brief Q&A:

LTP: Ryan, this was quite a surprise, why did you make this decision?
RP: There were four reasons I felt like I needed to make this decision. 1) I just need a fresh start...the casinos in this state just keep calling my name, and I need to get away from there.; b) I know I'm better than Vince Young, imagine what Greg Davis could do with me; c) even if I do get into trouble in Austin, there are so many other 'horns in trouble with the law that I will fit right in.

LTP: Excuse me, Ryan, that was only three reasons.
RP: Really? I must have lost count. Oh, yeah, Mack Brown promised me I could wear my favorite jersey number.

LTP: And the jersey number is?
RP: 1206314. It's a little long, but UT-Austin and the Travis County Jail have worked out an arrangement where the players can wear their prisoner numbers on their jersey. The number's a little smaller on the jersey number now, but it allows the police to identify the players easier after the game.

UT and Joe Jamail Announce Innovative Donation

by LTP Austin Correspondent Edwin Simmons
Austin, TX (LTP) - The University of Texas announced a first of its kind donation as famed Houston attorney and UT alum Joe Jamail announced a $5 million dollar donation for UT athletics. In an unusual twist, the funds were directed not toward the Longhorn AD coffers, but for necessary refurbishments to the workout facilities at the Travis County jail.

DeLoss Dodds said, "We are very appreciative of Joe's continued generosity and support of Longhorn athletics. Several of our student-athletes-convicts were really struggling with staying in shape and on track with their voluntary workouts during their stays at the Travis County Jail. With Joe's donation, the County will be able to renovate the gym and help the kids stay on track with their programs, no matter how long they are detained."

UT Coach Mack Brown and Austin Mayor Will Winn vehemently denied reports that the city would rename the Travis County Jail "Fred Akers Dormitory for Criminal Justice Studies".

This Day in LandThief History...

On August 2, 2006, HeadVisor dismissed JD Quinn and Rhett Bomar from the Sooner FB team for receiving more money for less work.

It has now been 346 days (and counting!) since our last major infractions were self reported to the NCAA.

Something we haven't done...

by HeadThief, Senior Editor-in-Charge
This reporter was amused to read Andrew Cuomo's announcement yesterday of subpoena's to several D-1 schools athletic departments and potential improper promotion of a student lending provider. This is in addition to Mr. Cuomo's previous work around student lending improprieties at USC, UT-Austin and Columbia U. I was unable to confirm if the USC Director of Financial Aid was involved in rent payments for Reggie Bush, but apparently she bought a nice baby gift for Matt Leinart and his ex-girlfriend saying, that "Surfer boy probably won't be around as a daddy anyway." I think the gent at UT-Austin has used his ill gotten gain to post bail for drunk Longhorn footballers, but that could be just a rumor.

The biggest shocker of all of this, of course, is that the the beloved Oklahoma University Athletic Department was not named in this sub poena. When asked to comment about the suit, Joe Castiglione said, "I know nothing about this operation. Is it too late to get in? Sounds like there's money to be made. You know we wouldn't pocket the money ourselves, we would use it to keep the price of football tickets down. No, really, I mean that."

Big 12 South Preview

By HeadThief, LandThief Press Senior Editor-in-charge

1 – Texas – oh, how it pains me to do this. Why they’ll win: If My Little Pony is healthy, Mack has a top flight QB, his leading rusher and six top receivers returning. Why they won’t win: The D was not good last year, and they lost two of their top four defenders. As a Sooner, I’m hoping Greg Davis reverts to pre-VY play-calling, they lose a couple of receivers to DUI and/or drug charges, and no one steps up on the defensive side of the ball.
2 – LandThieves – Why they will win: Stoops returns 8 starters on O and 7 starters on D. The secondary lost no one to graduation/completion of eligibility. DeMarco Murray will help everyone get over AD getting a pay increase in Minnesota, and the D should be solid. This team will run ALOT and with an experienced O-line they should control the line of scrimmage and the clock. Why they won’t win: No experience at QB, and someone will force the QB to make a play that their inexperience will preclude them from doing. The D-line lost a lot.
3 – Boone State U – I resorted to the RANDBETWEEN function in Excel again, as I really think one can make an effective case for any of Boone State, Cash Machine U and the Pirates to be third. Billy Gates went out on a limb and picked the ‘pokes third. Why they might win: Bobby Reid is a talented QB and they have lots of offensive weapons. Why they won’t win: Questions on D abound, and Gundy may continue to shuffle Zac Robinson and Reid, just to confuse everyone. There’s also a decent chance that the Boone State U administration decides to buy T Boone out. By the time they decide on an acceptable price, the ‘pokes may have to fold up the gridon and sell commemorative bricks from Lewis field so they can keep the women’s golf and tennis teams going. You’ve got to stick at what you’re good at.
4 – Pirates – Why they might win: First time in since 2002 they’ve had a returning QB, and Mike Leach led teams always figure out how to score points. Why they won’t win: Dust University returns only 5 starters on each side of the ball. One of the things that separates the top teams from the close to the top teams is depth, and I think that inexperience and depth will hurt the Pirates this year.
5 – Cash Machine U – If I hadn’t deferred to the Billy Gates / Miss Cleo methods on spots 3-5, there’s no way I pick the maroon and white to be fifth in this division. Why they might win: Aggies return top three rushers (Goodson, Lane and McGree) and Fran do like to run the ball. Overall, nine offensive starters return from 06. Why they won’t win: I’m still not sold on a Gary Darnell led defense. Mike Stoops he ain’t.
6 – Baylor Bears – my apologies to the folks at BearMeat and my daughter, a Bear fan. Why they might win: There's been a lot of talk about pandemic illnesses. With the right plagues in the right places, it could happen. Why they won't win: Baylor lost their QB, top rusher, and three of their top four receivers. I’m a Guy Morris fan, but I think the QB situation is too unproven, and they lost too much to graduation.

Miss Cleo contributed to this report.

Boone State #1 in Preseason Poll

by Senior College Football Analyst Joe Huff
Hong Kong, China (LTP) - Boone Pickens recently took a trip to China which was allegedly planned for BP's business interests. However, in an exhaustive investigative journey through southeast Asia, LTP has discovered the real motive behind the trip - to find a league where the Mike Gundy led Boone State Cowboys could win a championship. Through this junket, Pickens discovered the Pokes could clearly be the best American college football team in China, bought the Chinese government run newspaper, added a sports section and released the poll, which had no one ranked #2.

In a prepared statement, Coach Mike Gundy said, "Boy, this really takes the pressure off to win now. Actually, it's not that there's no pressure now, but the pressure is different. Now we need to find another American college football team in China."

Boone State gymnastics resigned upon hearing the news, and Boone State disanded the program. The gymmastics coaches were unavailable for comment.

University Chairman Boone Pickens said, "I'm an impatient man and I'm 80. My $165 million last year got me a 3-5 Big 12 conference record and tied with Baylor for last in the South Division. It's tough to turn around years of losing, I've got my name on the stadium, and we even discussed putting my name on the seats. If T. Boone Pickens name is going to be associated with winning football, and not for wrecking the town of Bartlesville, OK, I think this is the quickest way to do that."