Big 12 Preview - Haiku Style

To my loyal reader(s)? - stumbled across this today. A Big 12 Preview Haiku style. Working on my own preview, will have it coming out in the next few days.

Alcohol

Mammoth Sooner OT Phil Loadholt was arrested last weekend for DUI and violating the state's open container law, according to the internets. Loadholt is 6-8, 351 lbs, per the Sooner web site (which is fraught with inconsistencies - he's 337 on one page, and 351 on another). He was tested with a BAL level of 0.15.

During my exhaustive research for this story, I found a handy blood alcohol calculator. For you out of state folks, Oklahoma's legal limit for alcohol content in beer is 3.2% According to this calculator, 351 lb Phil would have to consume 22 bottles of beer in a two hour period. Short of using a tool like pictured at left, it would be very difficult to consume that much alcohol in such a short period of time. If Phil were drinking Jack Daniels, he would have to drink 17 shots in a 3 hour period.

To contrast, being a 5'10" 210 lb lifelong Baptist, my alcohol consumption abilities are vastly inferior to Mr. Loadholt's. A similar amount and consumption time would leave me with a BAL of 0.27. According to the OU PD site, a .25 BAL level leaves one with 'all mental physical and sensory functions are severely impaired', and 0.30 gives one a level of "STUPOR. You have little comprehension of where you are. You may pass out suddenly and be difficult to awaken." So I would be somewhere between severely impaired and about to pass out. Phil's BAL level of .15 left him merely with gross motor impairment and lack of physical control. Both get you locked up.

One of the amusing elements of this, first read at Orson Swindle's EveryDayShouldbe Saturday.com, is that the OU PD has a blood alcohol level calculator on their website. However, you have to be 240 lbs or less to use the tools, so they are no use whatsoever to most of the football team. I think a petition should be started to modify the OU website, so that it might be a more useful stool to one of the most visible elements of the student body. It's even possible Mr. Loadholt could consider the university as responsible for his actions,being that a reliable calculator was not made available by the university.

For further analysis on this story, we contacted the Landthieves legal analyst, Cedric Benson. However, it's 945 pm on Saturday, and Ced's been out on his boat all day, so let's just leave it at "Mr. Benson was unavailable for comment."

Houston

Today I read where Vince Young has invited his receivers down to Houston to work out with him between the minicamp that ended today and the start of training camp in late July. I really question the logic here. Houston in the summer? So, I searched on it. Citysearch has the Top 10 things to do in Houston this summer. Coming in at #10 is going to the Toyota Center and watching a WNBA game. You've got to be kidding me. Houston is such a great place to live that Art Briles took the Baylor football coaching job. That's like being the running back for the Arizona Cardinals. I think #9 on the list is take a trip out of state. Can't VY invite his receivers someplace nice? Maybe they could take a trip to San Diego?

My search also stumbled across this Texans cheerleader. In response to the "If I could do one thing it would be..." Move my entire family to Houston. I think this girl needs Dr Phil.

Big 12 Champions!

We're in the dog days of blogging now, when there seems to be nothing going on, with the exception of the Fulmer Cup tourney, where Alabama recently blew away the field. Fortunately, the Collegiate Bass Anglers Association is there to save the day.

Seems the Sooners won yet another Big 12 Championship last weekend, this time in the CBAA tournament at Lake Eufaula. For the uninformed out there, Eufaula is the childhood hometown of Sooner greats J.C. Watts, Lucius, Lee Roy and Dewey Selmon, so it's been a good spot for us for 35 years or so now. Pardon me, I digress. Back to the fishing. The Sooners, ranked #6 in the country, took advantage of the 2nd ranked Texas A&M team's absence from the tourney. The Aggies "did not send a team primarily due to sky-rocketing fuel costs". Surely Coach Fran could spare some loose change from his settlement to help the boys out. I spoke to Reveille VII about this, and he was too mad for comment. I'm sure this would not have happened on his watch.

The BassZone also provided coverage of the event. SoonersSports.com failed to mention the event. As noted in the BassZone's excellent coverage by Gene Gilliland, "Baylor and Missouri do not yet have fishing teams...". Seems like this would be an opportunity for those underutilized Baylor QBs to break into the starting lineup.

Initiative

Today's motivational poster comes courtesy of this article.

New Oklahoma Record Set Today

The headline on this article says it all, "Sewage disaster leaves over 700 gallons of human feces in woman's home. This is the largest amount of crap in a home in Oklahoma since a coaches barbecue at Howard Schnellenberger's home in August 1995.

New Developments on Testigate

by LandThieves Legal Analyst Cedric Benson

Brian Thomas, the University of Texas fan that had the distinct experience of "hearing his scrotum tear" has now file a civil complaint against his assailant, Michael Beckett, and seeks over $100,000 in damages. We're going to assume this reader base is literate (by definition, at least) and encourage you to read the article. Following is analysis by yours truly that you won't get anywhere else.

Beckett's mouthpiece, attorney Billy Bock (no relation to Shiner, I checked it out) says, "Every bit of the investigation that's been done supports our side of things." Well la-dee-freaking-da. What did you expect the lawyer to say, "Where would you like the check mailed?". So, no new news on the defendant side.

Here's the most interesting thing in the article, in this legal expert's opinion. Thomas' lawsuit mentions a "possible connection to a local sports rivalry." that's preposterous. The bar he was in, Henry Hudson's, is in Oklahoma City. The University of Oklahoma is in Norman, and Texas University is in Austin. According to dictionary.com, the definition of local is, "pertaining to a city, town or small district" rather than an entire state or country. The Red River Rivalry is not a local rivalry. This dude's geographical understanding is deplorable, and this false statement will likely lead to the entire case being thrown out.

Finally, how do you place a dollar value on the trauma from having your scrotum torn? I'm no economics major or anything, but $50k each for the family jewels just doesn't seem like enough. I can't think of any jewels more priceless than my own.

LandThieves hires Legal Analyst

In our constant effort to keep up to date with the WWL, we here at LTP have opened up the coffers to hire our own legal analyst. We figured with the constant legal matters that confuse the everyday sports fan, we could assist our loyal reader(s) with our own legal analyst. Without further ado, LTP announces the hiring of former Chicago Bears and Texas Longhorn standout Cedric Benson. As a matter of introduction, we thought we'd do a little bit of a Q&A.

Joe Huff: Cedric, you don't have a law degree, what makes you qualified to be a legal analyst?
Cedric: I have six years of hands-on legal experience, including experience in marijuana possession, minor in possession, criminal trespassing, boating while intoxicated, resisting arrest and driving under the influence.
Joe: That's quite impressive.
Cedric: I'm two more citations away from a free tattoo on Sixth Street.
Joe: Good luck with that. Cedric, as we all know, you are a former Longhorn student. Why join forces with an Oklahoma Sooners fan's blog?
Cedric: That's an excellent question. If I may, I'd like to support that with three points. 1) There's a history of folks "jumping to the other side". The stadium in Austin is named after a Sooner alum; b) Many Texas high school players achieve success in Oklahoma; great names like Billy Sims, Tommie Harris, Adrian Peterson, Joe Washington, Quentin Griffin and Donta Hickson; 2) In four games against Oklahoma, I had 167 yards on 57 carries. I averaged 119 ypg game against everyone else in college football, and 42 ypg against the Sooners. As a result, I believe the Sooners already owned me. This just formalizes things.
Joe: Any projects you have in the hopper?
Cedric: First of all, we'll be looking into startling new developments in Testigate. Be sure to look for it soon.
Joe: We look forward to this partnership. And you might want to pour that out before you get back in the car.

Will Sam Bradford have a soph slump like My Little Pony?

Got to wondering this today while driving back to work after picking up a copy of Phil Steele's preview. In 07, Bradford shattered (36) McCoy's one-year old record for TDs by a freshman (29). McCoy followed that up with over 3000 yards and 22 TDs, but threw 18 picks. What will Sam do? I respectfully submit my thesis that Bradford will not slump.

Offensive Line Stability - McCoy started 2007 with three new starters on the offensive line, including having to replace two All Big 12 selections. McCoy was sacked 24 times in 07, only 14 in 2006. Bradford returns 6 offensive line starters (with at least six starts) and the top ranked o-line heading into 2008. The unit has accumulated 130 career starts.

Coaching - Longhorn offensive coordinator Greg Davis' best coaching move career to date has been to tear up the playbook and start listening to Vince Young's ipod. After a couple of games last year year, the Horn coaching staff began to realize that McCoy was not VY, and they veered away from zone read and related abuse to McCoy from defenders. The Sooners offensive coaching knows Sam is a drop back passer. The O-line and RBs will be quite sufficient to allow Sam to continue to progress as a top notch QB.

Defense - the Longhorn defense allow 7 pts more per game in 2007 than 2006. This forced McCoy to be more aggressive on the offensive side of the ball and he ended up taking risks that did not pay off. The Sooners will be green in the back seven, but the D line could be special. Assuming Ryan Reynolds stays healthy, and at least one of the highly touted LB recruits pans out, the LB corp will be fine. The linebackers will also be aided by convert Keenan Clayton, who served as an over-agressive safety when on the field the past two years. The DBs will be stabilized by Lendy Holmes and Nic Harris. IMO, Marcus Walker and Reggie Smith did not live up to their recruiting hype, and their loss may not be as big as one would expect.

Criminal Justice - the Horns majored in Criminal Justice studies through most of the summer and early fall workouts, leading to distractions and uncertainty on the team, which led to faulty execution. The night life options are much less tempting in Norman than our neighbors to the south in Austin. The kids just drink in the dorms, so you don't have to drive back home. It's simpler that way.

There's my theory. Read it and weep.

What I did on my summer vacation...

The Headthief travelled to southern California for a week or rest and relaxation and the following are musings from the journey:

• One of the things I do on vacation is play golf. I snuck away from Missus Thief and the little thieves on a couple of occasions to play. I take my clubs with me, and have some handy Crimson and Cream Oklahoma University headcovers on my valued metalwoods. On Wednesday, I was asked twice if the "OU" on the headcover was Oregon or Oklahoma. When I said Oklahoma, the first person (a woman) said, "I went to OU for a couple of years, and met my husband there. I grew up in Stroud." I was appalled. A "former student" that didn't recognize her own school colors. She probably flunked out and transferred to Boone State – or Oklahoma A&M as it was likely called in her day. Additionally, the Bookout family from Stroud had tons of athletic success in Norman, and she doesn't recognize it. Stroud is NOT a thriving metrolpolis, particularly back in her day. The other person, a retired doctor, asked the same question. He had a practice in the San Jose area for 30+ years, and can't tell Oregon's green and baby crap yellow color combination from the beauty of the Sooner's crimson and cream! On the other hand, considering our last few performances against teams from Southern California, I was okay with being incognito as well.
• When traveling with family on vacation, the HeadThief travels incognito, wearing a readily discernible Bucknell cap obtained during the NCAAs in 2006 in Dallas. The bright orange cap stands out across the theme parks, per Missus Thief. Wearing a Sooner cap with pride would only allow me to blend in with the various garnet and gold caps of the Men of Troy and as well as the maroon and gold of Arizona State, both of which were well represented in Anaheim and Carlsbad, so the Bucknell cap comes in handy. Plus, no one ever asks me “Which Bucknell?”. In fact, I’ve only been asked if I attended Bucknell once.