New Developments on Testigate

by LandThieves Legal Analyst Cedric Benson

Brian Thomas, the University of Texas fan that had the distinct experience of "hearing his scrotum tear" has now file a civil complaint against his assailant, Michael Beckett, and seeks over $100,000 in damages. We're going to assume this reader base is literate (by definition, at least) and encourage you to read the article. Following is analysis by yours truly that you won't get anywhere else.

Beckett's mouthpiece, attorney Billy Bock (no relation to Shiner, I checked it out) says, "Every bit of the investigation that's been done supports our side of things." Well la-dee-freaking-da. What did you expect the lawyer to say, "Where would you like the check mailed?". So, no new news on the defendant side.

Here's the most interesting thing in the article, in this legal expert's opinion. Thomas' lawsuit mentions a "possible connection to a local sports rivalry." that's preposterous. The bar he was in, Henry Hudson's, is in Oklahoma City. The University of Oklahoma is in Norman, and Texas University is in Austin. According to dictionary.com, the definition of local is, "pertaining to a city, town or small district" rather than an entire state or country. The Red River Rivalry is not a local rivalry. This dude's geographical understanding is deplorable, and this false statement will likely lead to the entire case being thrown out.

Finally, how do you place a dollar value on the trauma from having your scrotum torn? I'm no economics major or anything, but $50k each for the family jewels just doesn't seem like enough. I can't think of any jewels more priceless than my own.