Clemens Character Euthanized

Roger Clemens character was euthanized Sunday after several fractures made it impossible for his character to continue. Long time attorney and golfing buddy Rusty Hardin said, "There was no way to save it. It just couldn't stand anymore."

Clemens' character had run a valiant race, but was unable to survive repeated stress over the past week, after allegations of multiple extra-marital affairs surfaced last week, including, a 15-year old Mindy McCready, John Daly's ex-wife, and a Manhattan bartender.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Athletes issued a statement. "The NY Daily News whipped Clemens' character unmercifully over the past two weeks. We believe the newspaper should be suspended."